Sass Not Optional

Children

Letting Go of The Mom Guilt

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We Do it To Ourselves

Mom guilt is real and it sucks! I am by far my biggest critic and I’m quite certain most mothers can relate. So you know what I did? I let it go. Sure, it rears it’s ugly head from time to time, but that’s okay because I don’t let it dominate me anymore.

Learning how to push those thoughts aside is difficult, but with practice we can all accomplish it. Making it a common practice of letting go of the mom guilt has had the greatest of impacts on my mental health.

If Mama Ain’t Happy, Ain’t Nobody Happy

We all love our children. The constant self-doubt we feel over the job we’re doing is proof of that. It’s okay to take care of #1 because nobody else is going to benefit from an unhappy and unsatisfied mama. Being selfish about time alone to do things you want to do is not selfish, it’s necessary. It’s vital. Stress is higher in a home where time isn’t allotted to decompress, and our children are soaking in those negative vibes.

Too much time is spent worrying about what *should* be done and feeling guilt from what didn’t happen. Why? In time, I’ve realized I get less and less productive the longer it’s been since my last time away. We get burnt out and it’s justifiable. This gig is HARD. Internally, I struggled a lot during the postpartum time after each child, and it sucks I kept it to myself.

Not Everything is About Mama

Here’s the other half to that though – our partner needs that time as well. They need time away to do things to help hang onto who we are just as much as we do. I don’t know how it is for you, but for me, I tend to advocate for my husband to have the time he needs to be a better father and husband…but then I get bitter about it because I haven’t spoken up for myself. He would never tell me no, just as I would never tell him no, yet I sit quietly waiting for him to say something like “I think you should go for the day.” Umm, how stupid is that?

Table For One

I’ve realized I don’t need to have plans made with a friend or to do something in order to have time away. I like going to have coffee all by myself while it’s quiet and still hot! Thai food alone is also high on the list because I don’t have to share my freaking Thai Iced Tea with all the world. I enjoy walking around the bookstore even though I have virtually zero time to actually read and use audiobooks instead.

So this is me giving you permission to let go of the mom guilt as well. You’re a damn good mama, now go reward yourself for that. Do something that makes you smile and don’t feel guilty about it – you deserve it.

Find me on Facebook and tell me what your favorite way to decompress is.

Postpartum Life – Is this normal?

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Is This Normal?

I told you recently how my spirit animal is a duck, but I’ve done some tremendous self-reflection since realizing this. I’ve always known I was this way but never equated it to being a duck until I was 32. That’s kind of nuts in retrospect.

I’m a mother of two young children, ages two and four, and life is busy. Being a mom is hard. Absolutely amazing, but so damn hard. That transition from no children, to one child, to two children, and then trying to figure out who the hell I was along the way has been a struggle! Like all moms, I let myself go in some ways because I was treading water and working as hard as possible to give everything I could to my babies, and stay afloat while doing so. I neglected myself along the way and that has been pretty damaging, if I’m being honest.

I guess I assumed my postpartum life was the new normal.

An Eye-Opening Revelation

My sister is someone I talk to often about life in general and I’m often her sounding board. Don’t get me wrong, I vent to her as well, but there are things I hadn’t even told myself yet…if that makes sense. I recently found the courage to tell her I’ve been feeling pretty shitty and it’s been for quite a long time now. I’m a happy person, I love to laugh, I enjoy being around people, but I’ve been in a funk and some of that has been far more forced than it should be.

Like I said, I talk to my sister about everything, and you know what? She had no idea. She wishes I had told her sooner but I hadn’t even admitted it to myself until recently, so I couldn’t have. We don’t live local to each other and if there were signs to see, she wouldn’t have seen them anyway. I’ve helped countless friends and family through hard times with postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety (PPD/PPA), yet I wasn’t seeing the signs in myself. Nobody else was seeing them either because I was hiding it so well. I had it hidden so well that even I didn’t realize it – ummm, hello?…that’s a problem!

Where Do I Go From Here?

So what am I doing to address this? Well, I’m being more honest about it for starters. My anxiety about certain things is NOT normal but thankfully my husband accepts them for what they are and doesn’t pushback about it. We have a creek in our backyard that I refuse to take my children down to without him because water is such a huge trigger for me. Our creek isn’t deep…My kids can stand in and it goes to their mid calves…but nope. No water. Car seats? Oh boy, that’s a biggie. Letting my kids sleep in their own beds when my husband isn’t home for the evening – not going to happen.

But you know what? All of this is fixable. I’ve spent so much of my time being selfless that I’ve neglected myself. It’s been hard but I’m starting to make sure I have time away without my family, and I don’t allow myself to feel guilty about it anymore. My bucket has been low in terms of self-care, and you can’t give what you don’t have, so I’m making the change and taking care of me.

Is this something you relate to? If so, find me on Facebook because I’d love to connect with you!

A Day in The Life – What the fuck?

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A Day in The Life

Mr. Fun Suck and I were walking through Home Depot recently with Scarlett and Xavier. You best better believe we had one of those insanely annoying, I mean amazing, double steering wheel shopping carts for this quick outing. You know, the ones that are supposed to make everything so much easier for parents because they magically keep your children happy, yet all the while you’re running into crap…Yes, that amazing cart. Oh and the magical happiness? It only lasts for roughly 47 seconds before one drops something and the other tries to take the other child’s steering wheel. Thanks for that, Home Depot.

Anyway, as we’re walking along, we paused to look at something random. I heard Xavier quietly say something in a confused tone, followed by him motioning to something up high on the wall and then him shaking his head.

…Did I Hear Correctly?

Me – What did you say? I didn’t hear you.
Xavier – Oh nothing.
Me – No really, I didn’t hear you and I want to know what you were telling me.
Xavier – *motions up to the wall display* Toilets…on the wall..What the fuck? *all while shaking his head in disbelief*
Mr. Fun Suck – What did he say?
Me – Can you say that again? Daddy didn’t hear you.
Xavier – *story stated the exact same way for the third time*
Me – I quickly whispered “That’s on you, that’s a Daddy fail” and walked away before Xavier saw me laughing.

Yep, What The Fuck

Apparently, Mr. Xavier was listening to Daddy work in the garage. And it appears as if my husband is often perplexed while in there because Xavier ONLY says ‘what the fuck’ when he’s confused about something. It’s said out of complete disbelief and a quick little head shake. Like when my husband was hiding in the closet behind clothes and Xavier was certain he was in there, but couldn’t find him. Or when he saw a mark on the floor.

As far as Xavier is concerned, you can’t say this word until you’re as tall as Daddy is. You see, he needs something concrete like that because he’s a very practical child and a crazy realist. The dry humor at times is unbelievable. So he’s not allowed to say that word until he’s as tall as Daddy because saying when he’s big isn’t concrete enough…because he is big…He’s bigger than Scarlett. And soon enough, he’ll also be bigger than me. So for now, Xavier can’t say ‘what the fuck’ until he’s as tall as his father, which is a good 3 feet considering his father is 6’. Here’s to hoping we don’t have to deal with that again for a little while since my concrete little guy is also a rule follower. Hahaha. Sometimes that works in my favor, other times, not so much. LOL

Raising children is hard, how do you redirect your children when they repeat things they shouldn’t? I want to laugh at everything, as does my husband. How do you keep a straight face?! Find me on Facebook and tell me your best stories and ways for managing!

Strong Willed Daughters

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Scarlett the Sassafras

Raising strong willed daughters is not for the faint of heart. My sweet Scarlett is 2.5, insanely verbal and quick-witted! Seriously, it’s nuts and we often can’t keep up with her. Our children are quite fluent in sarcasm because that’s how we roll in this household. Xavier is 4 and gets it but he doesn’t know how to use it quite yet. Scarlett is getting her footing on it early, and we’re scared! We’ve got some growing pains in store for all of us, but it also makes us happy to see. Raising strong willed daughters is not for the faint of heart.

The Incident

Dinner has become super annoying in our house as of late, and Scarlett often goes to bed without her evening snack and tears are shed. It’s a pitiful scene, yet the same one night after night because she’s stubborn as hell.

Me – You need to finish your dinner so you can have your snack tonight.
Scarlett – *shakes head but doesn’t take another bite*
Mr. Fun Suck – Scarlett, you need to eat.
Scarlett – *stone faced* You butt out.
Mr. Fun Suck – Say that again and you’re going to bed.
Scarlett – *brief pause followed by a look of satisfaction* You just never mind.
Mr. Fun Suck – How am I being outsmarted by a 2 year old?!

To Laugh or Not To Laugh?

Yep, I laughed. He laughed. I’m pretty sure I cried a little because I was laughing so hard. How do we stifle that strong-willed beast while not breaking her spirit? She’s such a great little girl and very respectful, but she’s sassy and sarcastic…already, and we are in trouble!

The approach I use most often is one of not paying attention or walking away. Sometimes it’s best to say nothing than to let them see you laugh. Kind of like when Xavier was in the habit of saying “what the fuck” because Daddy Says it. Yeah, major dad fail and I totally let him handle that one on his own.

How do you reign in the sassiness while not simultaneously breaking such a strong spirt? Find me on Facebook to let me know who you navigate this crazy thing called parenting.

Raising Boys and Girls

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Should We Raise Them Differently?

It’s the norm for society to insist on raising our daughters to behave one way and our sons to behave another. But why? It’s totally unacceptable. I have never understood this mentality, and it’s even more baffling now that I have one of each of my own. How are we supposed to raise confident children that are capable of acceptance and empathy with that mindset? Is that even possible? Why are we raising boys and girls differently?

Body image is one area where I feel this is especially unacceptable. We as mothers are becoming so much more aware of what we say in front of our daughters about our bodies, but we still have so much work to do. But at the same time, aren’t our sons listening as well? What are they hearing? We all have things we dislike about our bodies and negative self talk is so easy…but it has to stop.

Always Listening…And Then Repeating

My hips and back pop and crack ever since having children, and I’ll say “these kids ruined my body!” in a joking manner. It’s true though, pregnancy really wreaks havoc on the body, and you feel it years later. I have the crunchy sounds to prove it. In its true meaning, it was harmless, but it is actually saying more than I realized.

Off playing on his own, not listening…or so I thought, my son chimes in with “we’re ruining her life.” I was talking to a friend about how a particular style didn’t compliment my body well because of my lack of boobs since nursing. His take on it was he was ruining my life. Never once has that been said that but it’s how he interpreted a silly comment at the ripe old age of 4.  They’re listening. Always listening…especially when we don’t want them to be! Ha!

What Am I Teaching My Daughter?

Things have changed with my body since having children and it’s okay to recognize that, but what is that saying to my daughter when I complain about it? It’s priming her at a very young age to find faults in herself, and that will pick away at her precious confidence and self-worth. I want to raise a strong woman and you can’t have that without any confidence. Those school aged years are hard as hell and there were times that flat out sucked. Unknowingly dumping our own insecurities on top of all that isn’t helping any.

Girls are mean and being a kid is hard. Let’s not make it harder for them by teaching them how to cut down their budding self-esteem. They learn from us! They listen to everything we say and do. I praise my daughter for all things about herself because I want her to have the most inflated self-worth possible. She’s worth that and deserves to hear such things! But I don’t do that for myself. Why not? Do as I say and not as I do? Believe as I say and not as I think? That sounds pretty damn confusing.

I want my daughter to eventually find a man that will want to take care of her but also realize she doesn’t need to be. I want her to know that she is her own hero and can do anything she decides she wants to. To know life isn’t what others tell her it is, and to make it what she wants it to be.

What Are My Words Saying to My Son?

When I complain about my body appearance, what does that say to my son? Is it that it’s acceptable to have unreasonable expectations as to what a girl or woman should look like? Am I teaching him what beauty is supposed to look like, and that as his mother, I am not the picture of beauty? How is he going to treat girls and women as he grows if that’s what I’m teaching him now?

He has a fierce level of protection for his sister already, and it’s something I love dearly about him because that’s primal and not something you can teach. So this tells me he won’t let others say such things to his sister, but will he know enough not to say it to others? If not, I’ll have failed him.

I want my son to find a woman who believes in herself and isn’t afraid to march to the beat of her own drum. I want him to be challenged by a strong woman that will keep him on his toes, forcing him to continually strive to do better. To know he doesn’t deserve something just because he wants it.

Know Better So We Can Do Better

Our children see enough crap on television and magazines. I want my son and my daughter to know that beauty isn’t what society has set as a standard. I want my daughter to be confident in herself as she grows into a woman and I want my son to be the man that knows exactly what beauty is. I want them both to know it’s not a number on a scale, perfect body proportions and perky boobs. Beauty is confidence in yourself and knowing YOU are in complete control of how great you are. Beauty is having an open mind and knowing we are all different. How boring would it be if we were all the same? Our imperfections are what make us perfect and beautiful.

Never in a million years did I think that tiny statement of “they ruined my body” would mean “we’re ruining your life” in the eyes of my sweet boy. The same sweet boy that made me a mother and changed everything about my life. That’s not even a statement that exists in my life, yet it’s something I’ve led him to believe. Becoming a mother has been a challenge but they’re my everything and I wouldn’t change a thing…except maybe a little less hip cracking would be nice.

Our children are listening. Our sons and our daughters are listening. What do you want them hearing?

Find me on Facebook and tell me what you’re doing to make a difference to change this mentality. It takes a village!